Turmoil

My fingers sit frozen on home row.
The turmoil inside has hit a roadblock at the fingertips.
I watch the cursor dance in place on the computer screen while each painful aeon ticks by waiting for the next word, sentence, then thought to come out;
it's like pushing thick sludge out of sewage pipes that are too narrow
and it has to be forced out even though it's ugly, disgusting and putrid.
I'd rather it stay inside.
It's safer that way,
saner that way.

Oh, how many aeons have gone by until this moment!

Fear has frozen my every thought and action.
I hope in the brief moments of clarity when the fear has been thawed away
and certainty, peace and understaning are standing as soldiers
to guard my thoughts and emotions,

but these soldiers are weary and weak.
They are no match for the war going on inside me.
I fear what men may do to me
and I fear even more what I'm doing to myself by allowing
Bitterness, Resentment, Revenge and Jealousy boss me around.

Then I wonder, is is worse to be destroyed
from the outside in, or the inside out?

Ode to the Incredibly Stupid Moment

How is it that a five minute errand to the store can turn into a mini melodrama? In a word, stupidity. My own, nonetheless. I should have known better than to lay on the horn as long as I did when the SUV cut me off, but ohhhh no. I was going to let them know how pissed off I was for their lack of courtesy on the road. As they turned into a parking lot and I passed them I let out my anger by turning my neck and giving the back end of the SUV the death stare, as if there were eyes back there to catch the daggers flying out of my eyes. My left arm then came to life and further expressed my anger. My right hand would have loved to participate, but it was too busy steering. No, there was not an extension of the middle digit and for this manner of restraint I immediately prided myself. It was more of an angry wave of the entire hand and arm that didn't express the explative because it had no need...my mouth had already obliged.

So I drove on. And I ran my errand. And I got back in my car. Total time elapsed? Perhaps two minutes. Just enough time for this to happen:

As I backed out of the parking spot I caught sight of an SUV in my rearview, pulling into the shopping center. No, I thought, it can't be. As I pulled out I continued watching the SUV pull into the shopping center and turn into a bank towards the ATM drive-thru. This would be the test. If the SUV didn't appear at the ATM exit in the next few seconds, then it would only be my imagination.

No such luck.

That sucker pulled right through and by the time it did I was in plain sight and it started coming towards me. Needless to say my heart was in my throat as I had no idea if I was overreacting or if this was in fact the same SUV that cut me off.

Enter panic mode. I think I've discovered that when panic mode has been activated the stupidity quotient goes up exponentially and its corollary, hypocrisy, is then activated. Which would explain what happened next.

I got out of that parking lot as fast as I could by turning left across two lanes of traffic to which a cacophony of horns responded to my blatent disregard for courteous driving. The traffic that just barely missed hitting me was creating a convenient barrier for the SUV, but as I blew through a yellow light I could see it pulling onto the street. At that point I just gunned it and continued my escape which thankfully ended at my house with no SUV in sight.

Sitting in my living room I realized one last thing. I was paranoid. What if I encounter the SUV again? What were the odds of that happening? Should I avoid that street? That shopping center? Should I sell my car? Should I disguise myself every time I get in my car? Should I move to a new town? Could they find out where I live if they got my plate number?

As I made my way upstairs and fired up the computer it hit me: my entry into the blogsphere had arrived.

And so it has.